Posts tagged ‘humor’
June 17, 2011
It’s nearly Father’s Day, and I acknowledge the ache of missing him. I acknowledge the gratitude I have for my memories: the sound of his laugh popping into my mind at unexpected moments. The words and phrases that entertained, infuriated, taught and shaped me into this ever-changing lump of clay that will always be his daughter.
When I was a server:
If you put on some rouge, you’d make better tips.
Get around this guy! He’s loafing in the left lane.
On the golf course:
Keep your head down. Don’t try to kill it.
On any professional athlete who showed poor sportsmanship:
He’s a bum.
When I playfully squeezed his bicep:
Be careful. You’ll hurt your hand.
Teaching me to drive a stick shift:
Again. Try it again.
At the end of any long list of questions:
Want a punch in the eye?
When pushed to the limit of his patience:
Gee Zuss Christ!
On any ex/bad boss/person:
(S)He’s a bum. (recurring theme)
You better [whatever I was supposed to be doing] or I’m gonna land all over you!
After my haircut:
Your face is hanging out.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad and all the dads still giving advice and tossing out one-liners.
June 15, 2011
April 28, 2011
I’ve made the executive decision to start sharing the hilarious things my friends/family/colleagues/clients say. Or, in some cases, the funny stuff I overhear. So, let it be known, if you make me laugh, you may just end up with a starring role in my new series, The Funniness of Others.
Editor’s Note: accidentally-on-purpose falls always make me laugh. Thank you and good day.
Katie, on her eating habits.
” I realized I don’t really eat. I sort of snack all day. I eat like I’m camping, like protein bars and beans from a can. Or, I eat like a divorced man from the 1950s. Like the other night? I ate three pieces of wheat toast with pesto on them. What is that?”
Joan, on one very short date.
“…But when she showed up in a purple Camaro…well, let’s just say it was over before it started.”
November 22, 2010