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When you’re here you’re family

September 1, 2010

jennybadman

The week after Dad died we went to The Olive Garden with caring cousins who tried mightily to soothe our grief with their company and manicotti.

Chain Italian food is blasphemy in the town where my parents raised me. Tomato sauce was called gravy, and Mrs. Rizzo made meatballs that melted upon touching your tongue, bigger than a man’s fist.

Our waiter recognized Mom from all the times she brought Dad there for dinner, her last attempts at date night with her husband. I imagine her guiding his choices, choosing for him when his consciousness grew hazier, wispier, dreamier. The waiter came to know them by sight, by name and would help Dad get seated and put his walker to the side while they dined. He held sympathy in his smile; compassion in endless salad and bread sticks.

Where I grew up, Italian bread came from the local bakery. I remember holding my Dad’s hand as we stopped in for bread and Sunday pastries. I was so little I could still press my face against the cases to stare longingly at the opulently decorated cakes and pies. I would get a smiley-faced sugar cookie in my own waxy bag and eat it at the kitchen table with Dad as he read the paper, drank coffee and ate pastry.

The waiter asked Mom, “How’s John?” We all waited for her to say it.

“He passed away last week.”

The waiter half-opened his mouth, flushed and quickly paled, said quietly, “I’m so sorry.” He quickly retreated to tend to other diners.

I thought of him for days afterward. Wondered if he dropped a dish in the kitchen or spilled a glass of wine on purpose, because he was shaken. Because he had known Dad, though not long, but intimately in the way that only someone who brings you sustenance over a period of time can.

It would be like this for a while after he died. The moment of having to say he was gone out loud, still an open wound, still not believing the words as they left my lips.

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4 Comments

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  1. September 1, 2010

    Such beauty and sadness in this post…the beauty for the love your family has and has had…and sadness in the loss of someone so dear…peace be with you.

  2. September 2, 2010

    This truly touched my heart – yours and your family’s love for your Dad, and that awful time of facing the first time of everything without him there. Thank you so much for sharing your sadness with other readers. We’ve all been there, and your story, with all its gentleness and grief, is yet a comfort – such a testament to love. You wrote so beautifully – I think your Dad would have been proud to read this piece.

    • September 2, 2010

      Cindy, thanks so much for your comment and for knowing exactly what I meant.

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