Bloody Hell

Over the holidays, a few friends and I donated blood at a local Red Cross Blood Drive. My Mom, in town for the holidays, went with us for moral and Mom support. As it turns out, one of my friends, a virgin blood donor, was unable to give blood due to her “difficult to find” veins. My Mom stood by her side throughout the unsuccessful bloodletting, holding her hand and offering soothing, cooing Mom noises. I’m happy to report that the rest of us were successful donors, Incidentally, if you can give blood, you should. It’s a good thing to do, and you get free snacks afterward! Win, win!

A few weeks later, I learned that another friend of mine, a fellow writer, also gave blood. We swapped stories, and as both of our humor tends toward the dark, came up with the following list. Enjoy. Are you reading, McSweeney’s?

Words & Phrases Phlebotomists Should Avoid Saying To Blood Donors

  1. Squirt
  2. Oops
  3. Problem
  4. Medical mystery
  5. 50-50
  6. Hemophilia
  7. Gross
  8. Contagious
  9. Hematoma
  10. Clot
  11. Enigma
  12. I was afraid that would happen.
  13. Your veins are all slippery.
  14. I can’t find a vein.
  15. It’s either a vein or an artery.



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