Citrine & Hillary

Last week, I had a 10 cm dermoid cyst removed from my ovary. For those of you not as well-versed in the metric system, allow me to put this into a more relatable image: a grapefruit.


I had a grapefruit-sized TOTALLY BENIGN (thank heavens) dermoid cyst removed. Also, they removed the ovary on which the dermoid was perched.

Yes, it’s weird that was a citrus-sized intruder hanging around my reproductive organs without my knowledge, and might, I add, permission.

I am very glad it’s gone.

If you Google “ovarian dermoid cyst,” I’d advise you do it on an empty stomach, because dermoids are gross, gnarly even. They often contain…are you ready?

Hair. Gobs of it.

Also, sometimes teeth.

How did I manufacture this?

No one knows.

In an effort to keep my sense of humor about this situation, I shared the news of my “grapefruit baby” or “my lost twin” with friends and family.

My brother’s response: “You always wanted a little brother or sister!”

Photo by Flickr user chicks57
Photo by Flickr user chicks57

My friend Will named the dermoid Citrine: a nod to its citrus size, but more European in style. Will surmised that Citrine wore a bowler hat and held a cigar stump between her teeth.

Yes, teeth.

I added that she had a Madonna-style British accent and always showed up uninvited. I wish I had a sketch to share with you.

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My friend Anne thought Citrine looked more like the Mad Balls that were so wildly and grossly popular during my 1980s childhood.

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An ex was convinced the dermoid was a manifestation of a baby I’ve yet to have, and rather than stress about the thousands of dollars in surgical costs, I should consider the delusion that Citrine is actually a freshman at Brown University, major undecided. And I am footing the bill.

Screen Shot 2012-12-06 at 10.52.41 AM

Days after the surgery, I lamented the loss of my ovary. Thankfully, my friend Heather brought me back to reality.

When you lose an ovary, the other does the same job as two, so rather than grieving the lost ovary, you should be proud of your super-ovary! She’s doing two important jobs for very little recognition. We should call her Hillary Clinton.

Screen Shot 2012-12-06 at 10.56.03 AMSo, while I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I must inform you that since Hillary is very busy being my super ovary, she will be unable to run in the 2016 election. She has very important eggs to make – scrambled, hardboiled, I can’t know. She’s Hillary Clinton.

Sorry, America.

20 responses to “Citrine & Hillary”

  1. Always find the way you approach life as admirable…take good care.

    1. Thank you, I will take good care. You too!

  2. Glad you are on the other side of this with your sense of humor intact.

    1. Thanks, Andra. Grapefruit, be gone!

  3. jebus!!! I am glad you are okay! I have to admit I am confused that 10cm = grapefruit size though. are those super cm’s?? (hair and teeth, I am f’ing gagging.) xoxo

    1. Thanks, J! I dunno about the centimeters. My doc said, “10 centimeters,” and I said, “I don’t how big that is.” She said, “a grapefruit.” Apologies for triggering the gag reflex. It’s totes gross. xo

  4. Glad you are ok…Laurin…

  5. Mother of pearl! Jenny that’s crazy! Really glad to hear you’re on the mend and free of alien objects not welcome in the body. May 2013 be surgery free. PS – just in case you ever meet Hillary I think you should carry a copy of this around with you so you can show her 😉 xo

    1. Thanks, Em, I’m doing great. And I’m definitely going to carry a copy of this with me. Great idea. Hillary? Hi, I named my super ovary after you! xo

  6. Jenny, so glad this was benign and VERY sorry you had to go through that. Absolutely love your brilliant humor w/ the whole thing. Take care of yourself. xo

    1. Allisun, thanks so much! I’m feeling great. : )

  7. this might be my favorite yet!!! and i’m actually very familiar with dermoids because i’ve developed a mild obsession with them. i’ve googled images on more than one occasion! did your doc get a pic?? i LOVE that you named her and your ovary. but please let her run for president! 🙂

    1. The images are so gross, and yet you can’t stop looking! More than one friend asked for Citrine to be saved IN A JAR for further oogling/inspection. OY! Hopefully, Hillary can get back into politics after I’m through menopause! ; )

  8. If you want, I can contribute to Citrine’s college fund.

    1. Hahaha! Thanks, D. I can always count on you! : )

  9. I am thinking first mad ball in the front row.

    1. God, I think you’re right.

  10. I am so glad that it was benign and it sounds absolutely, amazingly gross 🙂

    1. Ha! Thanks, SB. I KNOW!

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